I've been feeling like crap lately and it's part being depressed and stressed and part just being weird.

I sleep a ton but never feel rested or awake, I've been going through life as a zombie. I sleep at all hours of the day where I suddenly feel so tired the lights literally just go out and no force in the world (or energy drink) can make it change. I have a hard time waking up again, it's like my body wants to hybernate.

I've this constant lingering head aches that goes from being JUST there to full on skull splitting aches.

I'm missing whole parts of the day, even when I'm awake where I have the feeling some hours just went missing or even som actions. (I coulvesworn I did X).

Basically it's like I'm living in one big surreal waking dream. Blegh.

Still don't have my equipment. Haven't heard from Peter yet either. The hoidays are upon us so the whole word is out and about and rejoicing in the socializing manner and I just can't be fucked. I'm distinctly hating on people and the world and I just don't wanna do it. I keep finding myself in these social situations and I can't ... DO anything. I can't hold conversation, I can't show interest. I just rather fail and give one worded answers. Now in part it's the company I've been keeping (apparently I'm not the only one failing at starting conversation with them) but it's a small reassurance. I'm feeling like I fail at even being human and it dicerns me.

I feel both ridiculously organized and completely out of control about my life. I have no idea what I'm doing, a vague idea of where I'm going and Im' basically grasping at anything that might help. I start things and don't finish them. I still have to get in touch with people and I keep putting it off because of the previously mentioned social faillure and utter apathy towards everything that didn't go as planned.

I can't be fucked emailing Peter and having a winge and complain. I can't be fucked contacting the optician for an appointment. I can't be fucked e-mailing Daan back (Even though that one is sort of important). I can't be fucked getting started on driving lessons. I can't be fucked working on building my website. I can't even be fucked getting up and getting food half the time.

All these things in life I need to be doing, shoud be doing and am expected to be diong and all I wanna do is sleep more until I feel awake and can actually do these things. GREHOGRHEOIH

I seem to find mysef living in a permanent state of "DO NOT WANT"
I'm going to see if I can findsome magnesium tablets somewhere and take some, since the online doctor wash elpful enough to sugget I may have a defficiency leading to anxiety, lethargy, and lackluster behavior. It might also explain the random muscle cramps and aches.

So I was going to send everyone an email with my flight details. But hotmail seems to have decided otherwise. So in case it continues to decide otherwise until I leave, here you have it.

My flight number wih which I'm flying onto Schiphol Airport is MH0016.
It flies from Kuala-Lumpur to Amsterdam and should arrive at Schiphol airport (hopefully with me on it) at 6:05 in the morning. Yes. AM.
For as far as I know Im being picked up by Mel and Sophie (you guys rock <3) and I shall be treating them starbucks because of it. Everyone else welcome to rock up but please bring your own starbucks as henceforth I am completely penniless! 

Now that that's been dealt with, on to the next agenda point.

GREOIHOGIRHEOIHGRHEOIHGRIOEHOIGRHEOIH I DON'T WANNA PACK AND CLEAN AND LEEEEAAAAAVE!!!! MAKE IT STOP! 

*cough* Right. Minor case of DO NOT FUCKING WANT! D=
When it comes to leaving and saying goodbye... but other than that everything is going alright. Currently washing all the clothing I'm not throwing out and trying to decide if the masses of crap I've accumulated over the year should ALL be shipped via mail or if I'm dumping enough of the old clothing to bring some of it with me. Probably not since I'm also bringing a bunch of NEW clothing with me... gheoihgroiehghreohgroieh

I don't wanna pack anymore! 

Next agenda point GRHEOIHGROIEHROI why do I think of throwing dinner parties when I leave?! it entails cleaning and cooking and groceries and GHEOIGHREOIH EFFORT! *pulls at hair*

On the up hand, friends rock. Going on last Aussie pony ride tomorrow. Seeing friends first thing monday morning. Working up a distinct fatigue so that when I go on the plane I can sleep al lthe way home and not be et lagged (hopefully). Getting my equopment on monday!!! If all goes well (I am so excited about that, it's ridiculous...). And and and... I don't know... I think 5th of november we road trip to Divoza, and even though I'm penniless I shall go to bask in the glory of my fantastic friends.Ranching should also go in that week...

On the other hand... I don't remember... there was something bad... OH RIGHT! People seem to think I'm all planned and organized and know what's going to happen next. I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE THAN YOU DO PEOPLE! D=
I'm going home. What happens next is something I'll see when I get there. Okay? Now stop asking me all these questions about plans in da future. THERE IS NO FUTURE! IT IS IN THE PAST! *flail* PARADOX!